


My Journal- Whoever I Am

by JimIsKing



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: After V-day, He doesnt remember exactly, harrys journal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-06-07 15:26:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6810967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JimIsKing/pseuds/JimIsKing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry keeps a journal after Kentucky because his doctor said it might help his memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

August 12, 2015

I do not have a clue who I am. My name is apparently Harry Hart. I have depth perception issues sometimes, because I have lost my left eye. My hands shake sometimes, that is why my handwriting is so drastically different in sections. Apologies. My clothes are too loose and too thin, and I don't understand why on earth I feel this way. I don't understand a lot of things. I miss someone. Or maybe it's more than one. I don't know, but I miss him or her. More likely a him, I believe. But who knows? Certainly not me.


	2. Chapter 2

August 13, 2015

Nothing has changed, really. I dislike the food a bit more, but that's it. I don't remember anything or anyone. I didn't sleep well. I dropped my tea off the side of the bed; it was a combination of shaking and not seeing properly. I'm getting tired of sitting here in a horrid bed, eating bland food, wondering who I am. Who I was. They say I could remember over time, but I don't think that's true.  
Goodnight my someone. Wherever you are, I hope you are not missing me. But know, I am missing you.


	3. Chapter 3

August 14, 2015

I am surrounded by people, but I am alone. My nurse, Christina, she wants me to like her. I do, but she doesn't feel like a friend. She doesn't feel close. I need someone close, but I have no one. Sorry. That was depressing. I might be depressed. I don't know. I don't want to be depressed, of course. I just... I feel like a part. A part of what, I couldn't say. I just know I am not a whole on my own. I am missing something and I am missing from something. I don't know what that means, but I feel it. I desperately miss my everything, and I don't even know anything about myself.


	4. Chapter 4

August 15, 2015

They let me go for a walk today. A very short walk, but it was a walk. I feel better. Kind of. Not really, but I feel hopeful today. I don't know why. It'll probably pass. I hope it doesn't. I like thinking that someone is coming for me. My someone will come and whisk me away to where I belong and tell me who I was.  
God, I hope so.


	5. Chapter 5

August 16, 2015

I remembered someone. I don't know his name. I don't remember his voice. But I know his face. It's stern, like he's angry. His eyebrows are dark behind the rim of his glasses. He hasn't got any hair beside that, as far as I remember. Is he my someone? He is important, I know that. What's his name? Who is he?  
I miss him. Whoever he is.


	6. Chapter 6

August 19, 2015

Sorry about that. The last few days have been complete shit. I feel awful, I'm not healing properly, no one is coming for me. I'm shaking worse than when I woke up. I feel like I want to go home, but I can't. I have no home. I miss him. It hurts that I can't figure out his name.


	7. Chapter 7

August fucking 20, 2015

I know another fucking language. That fucking stuck in my pathetic excuse of a memory. But not his name. Not even my own bloody fucking name. Fuck everything. I'm fucking sick of this.


	8. Chapter 8

August 21, 2015

I'm truly sorry if I worried you. I had a sort of breakdown. I'm fine. It's all alright now. I've come to terms with the fact that life has never been fair, and never will be. I'm not an exception.  
I talk as though you're a person. Maybe I hope someone is reading this. Or will be. When I find someone who truly cares.


	9. Chapter 9

August 22, 2015

Merlin. Merlin. Merlin Merlin Merlin. Why is the name so important? Who has a name like Merlin?  
Who is Merlin?  
I really wish I knew. 


	10. Chapter 10

August 23, 2015

No developments on Merlin. I feel sick, as well. I've been told the shaking is a little better, but it doesn't feel any better at all. I feel overwhelmingly alone, and I don't know what to do. Every day is just waiting. Waiting to heal. Waiting to remember. Waiting to get out of here. Waiting to go home.  
What if I don't have a home? What if I'm no one? What if Merlin isn't real?


	11. Chapter 11

August 24, 2015

The King's Men was Shakespeare's acting troupe, right? Kingsmen. Kingsman. Something is trying to get back to me. I don't understand it. Am I a Kingsman? An actor? I feel like I could be an actor. But I don't know. Perhaps I am an actor, and that's why I don't feel like I am who I really am. Maybe I'm acting.


	12. Chapter 12

August 25, 2015

I had a few memories. I think they are memories, anyway. They could be dreams. I've known Merlin for a long time, I think. I cannot be sure, but it seemed like it.   
I wish he were here.


	13. Chapter 13

August 26, 2015

It hurts today. I don't know why. My mind will barely function. I think I'll just sleep. That sounds nice. If I can manage to actually fall asleep, that is.


	14. Chapter 14

August 27, 2015

I think I loved Merlin. I think I still do, though I've no idea anything about him. What's his favourite colour? Does he like movies? Is he smart? Did he love me?

Is he okay?


	15. Chapter 15

August 28, 2015

My skin is finally healing properly. I'll have a terribly ugly scar, but at least it won't be a gaping wound. I've looked up "Merlin" but all that comes up is a show from the BBC and the old stories. Just like when I look for "Harry Hart", there is nothing. I've also remembered a boy. He looks like trouble. He has quite the square jaw and a slightly crooked smirk. I haven't known him long, but I'm sure I'm fond of him. I am not yet sure how fond.


	16. Chapter 16

August 29, 2015

Merlin isn't his real name. He has another name. It would probably help if I knew it. I also think I have slept with him. I don't know. Maybe that one isn't a memory. I rather hope it is, though.   
I wonder if he's looking for me.  
I wonder if he'll find me.


	17. Chapter 17

August 30, 2015

Today is apparently my birthday. I'm fifty-five. I'm old. I'm old and alone. I think I'd be happier if I had someone that knew me here, but I don't. Which is fine. I can be happy on my own. They gave me a book. The Great Gatsby. I don't think I've read it, but then again, I'm not the most reliable.  
I hope Merlin and the boy are alright. I hope they're not sad.


	18. Chapter 18

August 31, 2015

His name is Eggsy. Apparently I only had taste in people with odd names. I've almost finished my book. I don't really do much, so it wasn't difficult to read nearly all day. I am extremely tired today, and I don't even understand why. It's not like I am running around the hospital all day. Or at all, really.


	19. Chapter 19

September 1, 2015

It is September. I miss Merlin and Eggsy. Will they never come for me? I would appreciate it if they came. And soon. They say I'll be ready to leave the hospital soon, but I've no idea where I will go. I finished my book. I don't know what to do now. 

I'll need to get a job. I have no idea what my skills set is because I don't know what I did before. I feel like I was helping people, though.


	20. Chapter 20

September 2, 2015

They let me walk all around the hospital. I did alright. Not as good as I should, though. I'm not yet ready for walking in the real world. But I'll work on that in the time to come. I've remembered a few things. A fight with Eggsy, a late night chat with Merlin. I want them both here...


	21. Chapter 21

September 3, 2015

I had a dog, but I think he's dead now. I don't know exactly. I like butterflies, I think. I saw one today out the window, and I just... I don't know. I don't know anything today. It's more than a bit annoying.  
On the other hand, I love James Bond.


	22. Chapter 22

September 4, 2015

I feel like I know more about James Bond than most people do. I feel like I have been in similar situations, which makes no sense unless I'm an actor no one knows, or a spy. I'm not sure which is more likely at this point.  
I hope Eggsy and Merlin are taking care of each other and that they are over me.


	23. Chapter 23

September 5, 2015

I really, really miss them today. I had a dream where we were happy together. They told me about myseIf, told me stories that jogged my memory. It was so nice.

I wish it were real. I wish I could know if anything I "know" is real. I had a suit, a nice one. I loved that suit. Is that true? I don't know.   
Merlin would know.


	24. Chapter 24

September 6, 2015

I leave the hospital tomorrow. I need a place to live. Christina has offered me a room in her flat. I'll stay there until I get a job. Which is hopefully soon...  
I don't have a clue what I'll do. I want to go to London. I have no idea how I'll get there, though.


	25. Chapter 25

September 7, 2015

I went to the bank today, because I had a bank card in my wallet, and I suppose I was hoping for some money or something.  
Anyway, I have an account. 

I share it with Alisdair McCloud.  
I think that's Merlin. I have got his address, but I'm so worried. He'll be disappointed I don't remember him. It'll hurt him.  
But I need him.  
I've no fucking clue what to do.


	26. Chapter 26

September 8, 2015

I withdrew some money. I hope he doesn't mind. I need to see him. Perhaps he'll be happy to see me? Is that too much to hope for?  
The what ifs are killing me. I could be wrong. I could be alone. I might not be welcome. 

What do Merlin and Eggsy think happened? What actually happened?  
While I'd be happy if they had moved on...what if they don't want me anymore?


	27. Chapter 27

September 9, 2015

I'm on my way to see Merlin. Alisdair. Which does he prefer? I don't know. I wish I did. I'm so nervous. I'll see him tomorrow. I'll speak to him. Maybe I'll get to hug him.  
I'm so fucking nervous.  
If he doesn't want me... I have no fucking clue what I'll do.


	28. Chapter 28

September 10, 2015 

I got punched in the face. Then I got kissed and crushed in the tightest hug I've ever had (to my knowledge. Ha). And Eggsy was there. I think they are sleeping together. Eggsy wanted to punch me, I could see it. But he hugged me. We had tea. They don't want to tell me what happened. Who I am. I thought... I thought they'd help me, but they don't seem to want to. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope so...  
I love them. Only Merlin knows. He prefers Merlin, by the way. I asked.  
Overall, it's been a disaster. They put me in a spare bedroom upstairs. Away from them. I know it was impolite to just show up, but... I just thought it'd be different.  
Just the musings of a sad old man, I suppose.


	29. Chapter 29

September 11, 2015

They're acting odd around me. They don't trust me. They don't want me.  
I'm not their Harry. I'm someone else.   
Pathetic old Harry. Harry with the eyepatch. Harry that shakes. Harry who doesn't know anything.

It's fine. I understand. I'm not theirs.


	30. Chapter 30

September 12, 2015

They had sex.  
I don't understand why that hurts me so much.  
I knew they'd move on. It's good they moved on together, too. I'm happy for them. Well, I should be.  
I'm not.  
I'm hurt.  
I didn't think myself the crying type, but it appears that I was wrong.  
Crying and shaking are a bad combination when writing.


	31. Chapter 31

September 13, 2015

Shit. Jesus fucking shit. Harry. What the fuck bruv? You've got a functioning mouth. I know you fucking do because you chat about the fucking weather like its important. You talk about tea and James Bond and you never thought "Hey, maybe I'll actually talk to them. Like a normal person. Maybe bring up all this shit and figure it out. Together. With the two people that love you the most in this whole fucking world."  
Fucking idiot.   
Come to our room soon as you read this. You hear me?   
Right now. And we're gonna cuddle. And talk.   
And I'd still like to punch you. Thanks.

~Eggsy (Who woulda fucking cuddled the fuck outta you if I had known)


	32. Chapter 32

September 13, 2015

I've just slipped out of bed with Eggsy and Merlin. I was shaking a bit too much to sleep. Merlin is too warm, as well. He's a human heater. They said any Harry is the Harry they want. I'm not sure it's true, though. Also, Eggsy was apparently trying to leave me a rose when he found this notebook. Funny, how that worked out.  
I don't feel welcome, exactly, yet. But I do have hope that I will grow on them. As I am.


	33. Chapter 33

September 14, 2015

They told me everything. Starting from when I got shot to as far back as when Merlin met me. I am a Kingsman Agent. I am Harry Hart. Merlin loves me. Eggsy loves me. They love each other. I'm still out of a job, but maybe I can do something like Merlin does. No field work for me, though. At least, not in the nearly future.   
It's a bloody shame.


	34. Chapter 34

September 15, 2015

I convinced them to go to work today. I don't like it, though. Being alone here. I miss them. I want to go in with them. Maybe I should just... Show up and surprise them. Bring something to eat. I don't know how well that would go over. I don't know if I can even get in. But I don't want to stay here. Maybe I'll go for a walk.


	35. Chapter 35

September 16, 2015

Harry fucking Hart. You need to learn that you can talk to us. We love you, you know that. Don't be afraid to ask, for anything. If I find this stupid journal one more time and find out you're hiding something, I will kick your arse.  
Don't be an idiot. 

 

Love Merlin


	36. Chapter 36

September 16, 2015

I will tell them the truth from the now on. They care. I'm worrying them. I need someone to talk to, anyway. A human. I won't need this journal anymore, I suppose.  
I don't think I want to stop, though. I suppose we will see.


	37. Chapter 37

September 17, 2015

I'm putting away this journal. Everything is... It's not perfect, but I'm getting better. They're coaxing me to take a holiday with them. It'll be fun, I think. Well, I hope.   
So this is goodbye. I am happy and I am not alone. Thank you for all your help.


End file.
